When Your Enemy Becomes Your Crutch

I just had one of the worst weekends of my life. One of those, if it can go wrong, it will go wrong fiascos. The worst part is I realized that a huge part of it is my own damned fault. I have now dug a hole that I don’t know how to get out of and I’m scared to death. All because I kept leaning on the crutch of my depression and anxiety. Things go wrong and I can’t handle it? Well, that’s because my depression is so bad. Don’t feel like do anything for myself? Duh, depression. And then when I finally decide to make a change, I trusted someone of whom I had no previous knowledge, took them at their word, and got screwed. Lesson to be learned: Don’t let the frickin’ depression be your excuse for everything and while it’s important to sometimes take a leap of faith, it’s also important to make sure there’s a safety net in place.

For the past year my lenient and wonderful landlords have let me get behind on rent, knowing I meant to pay them back. The problem is they can’t afford it anymore and I have to come up with all that money or find another place to live in 30 days (well 28 now). I don’t have money for either option. I can’t get mad at them. I’d have kicked my sorry ass out months ago. I love them and will always be thankful and grateful for the support and patience they’ve displayed.

When I finally put all the pieces together and realized that my old job was amplifying the depression I talked to the person at agency that had placed me there. I explained what was going on and that even if I was offered the job permanently I would turn it down. I told her that I was willing to stay until they had new people trained and ready to go so I wouldn’t leave them high and dry. Instead she said she would tell them that my contract would be terminated at the end of July and she would have another position for me on August 1. Only half of that happened. My last day at work was July 31. This is the same agency that seriously screwed up my paycheck two weeks running and treated me like crap for their mistakes. (Granted, the first week started with a mistake on my part but then they amplified it by giving me wrong information about the situation. The second week was all on them.) This is also the same agency that didn’t bother to give me the insurance paperwork to fill out when I signed on or advise me that they had insurance for contract employees until it was after the deadline for me to sign up.

The latest bout of sickness at the end of June cost me over a thousand dollars in lost time at work, doctor bills, and prescriptions. That was money I intended to give to my landlords. I honestly believe that the illness was directly related to the stress I was under at that job. I loved the people but the job of talking to people constantly about medical bills and their concerns day in and day out took a toll on me physically, emotionally, and financially.

I let the depression be my excuse though. That was my fault. Even though I would never have purposely taken advantage of my landlords, I ended up doing it by counting on their willingness to let me pay what I could when I could. There were times I decided I needed something that I really wanted instead and that money didn’t go to them. That was my fault.

So now my “friend” depression and I have to find a new place to live or raise the back due rent somehow. I don’t know how. Guess what that does for me? I spent most of Saturday night in tears. I went to church yesterday and ended up crying all over my friend, Rob after he preached about how we can unintentionally steal from people by taking advantage of them. I kept breaking down at the thought that I may not find a place where I can keep Emma. I cannot do without her. She’s the right thing in my life. Fortunately Rob pointed out that if I have her registered as a companion animal then I won’t have to give her up. This will be done.

Oh, and guess what else happened? The starter went out on my car Saturday. I have really just reached the screaming, crying point in my life. Fortunately, the National Bank of Mom is able to come through for me on the car and it is going to the mechanic today, but still. I don’t want to have to borrow money from my mom who should be able to retire instead of working and helping out her daughter. I just feel like a failure on every level.

So here are the things I am going to do: I am applying for every job I’m even remotely qualified for, even if it’s something I don’t want to do, because that will at least be money coming in. I’m going to reach out to my Voc Rehab counselor because I started going a year ago to try and get counseling and she’s focused completely on school. I am glad to be back in school, but I need counseling and medications. That’s why I went in the first place. I am going to demand that we go ahead and get that started. I am going back to church instead of keeping my lazy butt in bed on Sunday mornings and just watching the service online. I need that connection. And damn it, I’m not going to use the depression as my excuse anymore. It doesn’t deserve that kind of attention. I will focus on the good in my life instead of what’s wrong. I’m not a negative person and I will not let this damn disease make me one! Finally, I’m going to do what I’ve done so many times and pray. I’m going to ask all of you who read this to pray if you’re so inclined or to send good vibes. I’m going to beat this thing. I’m going to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know how to fix the situation I’m in now, but there’s got to be an answer.

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